Following the end of his 30-year marriage, with four children, Fabian Cousley took a chance and headed to Mexico to reset and recalibrate. There the healing, and a lifelong love of international travel, began.
Fabian Cousley, author of How Traveling Saved My Life and host of Surviving the Yellow Brick Road, discusses using travel to heal after his 30-year marriage dissolved during COVID. Fabian explains the “yellow brick road” as life’s challenging journey, fueling exploration and curiosity. Travel, he says, provides a necessary reset. Removing yourself from the environment where trauma occurred allows you to recalibrate, shifting from asking “why” to “what now.” A New York City native, he recounts solo trips from his home in Toronto—starting with Cabo, later Dubai, and a pivotal healing experience at Machu Picchu in Peru—plus advice to on how to research safety and connect with supportive people. We end talking about meeting other men who are also traveling to heal, and moving from surviving to thriving.
Contact and find links to the book and podcast:
www.sybr-book.com or https://survivingtheyellowbrickroad.com/
Free download sample from Fabian: https://survivingtheyellowbrickroad.com/#Download
00:00 Introduction to Fabian Cousley
01:31 Growing Up in Queens and Surviving the Yellow Brick Road
04:18 Youth Is Curiosity
07:21 Deciding to Travel After the Breakup of the Marriage
09:38 You Cannot Heal in the Environment That Broke You
11:06 Are You Running Away?
12:21 Travel Forces You to Recalibrate and Reset
15:49 Solo Trips: Reset Happens Alone
17:42 Moving from Why Me to What Now
19:07 Deciding Where to Go
22:11 Beginning the Journey of Healing in Cabo
22:50 Finding Peace
25:18 The Map as Mirror
28:09 Dubai
34:29 Traveling While Black
35:53 Safety and Due Diligence as a Traveler
38:43 Peru: A Healing Experience
42:18 Men and Masculinity
47:57 Contact Fabian
Moving Along - ep. 44 - Fabian Cousley
[00:00:00]
Christi: Welcome to Moving Along. My name is Christi Cassidy, and my guest today is Fabian Cousley. Fabian is the author of How Traveling Saved My Life, and he's the host of the YouTube podcast, Surviving the Yellow Brick Road. When I saw the title of Fabian's book, it was like catnip. Totally provocative title especially for me, because, [00:01:00] of course, it's like, whoa, could traveling save my life?
Wait a second. What about anyone's life? What about everyone's life? And it turns out that actually this book is about what happened to Fabian after his marriage of 30 years dissolved. Heartbroken, he turned to travel, and that's what we're going to talk about today. Welcome, Fabian.
Fabian: Hey, Christi. Thank you. Thank you for having me on the show here. to be here.
Christi: Ah, it's great to have you. Thank you. Fabian, I want to ask you, you live in Toronto now, but you grew up in New York. You grew up i- actually in Queens, not far from JFK. What did the yellow brick road mean to you as a child?
Fabian: If you think of the yellow brick road, I mean, everyone knows the term, right? Wizard of Oz, right? The Wizard of Oz, I think we've all seen that movie from the past or heard about it. [00:02:00] And the concept of The Wizard of Oz, if you remember Dorothy following the yellow brick road.
And during her course of following the yellow brick road, she went into the forest, she met all of the characters, right? And those characters... And if you really understand The Wizard of Oz movie, those characters were pieces of her, right? That she was searching for, right? The courage, the heart, right?
And as you go through your own yellow brick road of life, because we all walk down this road, you have to survive it. And surviving that means as you meet the characters, as you go through the dark forests and you're trying to find, these golden gates where all of the wizardry is happening.
And if you remember the actual movie, most of the context of her story [00:03:00] was going through the yellow brick road and following it and meeting those individuals and overcoming those challenges, So bringing those two together, surviving is really what life's about. And, when you look at a lot of things that we've been able to get through it's the surviving part that's the challenging piece of it.
So I brought those two together because the yellow brick road is, has been doctrined as it's easy, it's smooth, it's golden, right? It's a golden road. But in reality you have to actually survive it, because that's what Dorothy had to do was survive it. And although it was it's the yellow brick road, which i- if you remember the movie, it starts out a nice bright yellow road and it turns into all of these other things that is unexpected.
So she had to survive it, and I think we all do in life, We all start out on the path of, "This is where [00:04:00] I want to go. This looks like the right way to go." And we all learn that you end up having to survive the journey, It's not a cakewalk, put it that way. That's really where
Christi: No, it's definitely not cake wa- Did you understand that when you were a kid, living that close to JFK?
Fabian: No, no, I, well, I don't think anyone does. I think when we are younger and, there is, with youth comes, you're naive, you don't have the experience. But at the same time, when you're youthful, you'll, you have great thoughts and you have aspirations, so I wasn't thinking that when I was younger, what the challenges that were going to come along. I don't think anyone does, I think we were more focused on at that age just exploring and curious. I think curiosity... I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and I said "Youth is curiosity." If you really take away everything and move everything away from the [00:05:00] age, because, you meet people sometimes and some people are like, they have an old soul, or some people are like, they don't, they're either, they're boring.
And when I say boring, I mean ... And if you really look at it, when I peel all of that back, what is youth? And I think youth is not an age, right? Youth is being curious and curiosity. And I think that is the underlining definition of youth. And as long as you remain curious in life, you will always have youth.
That's that youthful energy, right? What is that? How does that work? Why are we doing that? Like, the curiosity. And I think I've always embellished being curious and wanting to know more and wanting to explore, because I think that's the basis of
curiosity
Christi: You feel like you've always had that. I was thinking, does having children make a difference in terms of the way that you embrace that curiosity?
Fabian: No, I don't think so, because I'm thinking through... I mean, I had my [00:06:00] kids and I've still remained curious about life, about things, about exploring. It's probably maybe in different ways because you have children, right? But sitting with your children or your kids and d- doing things with them, being curious about what, how they see things and how they would do something.
And I think a lot of adults, I wouldn't say a lot, but I... There's a portion of adults that when they get into adulthood or motherly duties or fatherly duties, right? They tend to let go of that curiosity because they're so set in their ways of everything. And we just have to remain...
Learn to be curious still and learn to explore, and continue to explore, and I think that's the basis. That, it's as simple as, trying a new dish. It's as simple as taking a new route. So it doesn't have to be grand, But I think a lot [00:07:00] of people tend to just want to remain in their s- box and space.
And if you look at, kids and children it's their curiosity that makes them explore, And sometimes you have to kind of bring them back because they're doing too much exploring, right? But it's that curiosity that is inspiring and I think that's really the definition of their youth.
Christi: Okay. So you got married I assume you got married. You got married and had children pretty young age, right? Almost more from another time than now. People tend to wait a little longer. You had four children. You have 30 years of a committed relationship
And then it dissolved for one reason or another.
You don't talk about that. But what ha- what happened? Like, what led you to take that next step after that break? to decide that you were going to go travel? What was that process about?
Fabian: What was that process like? [00:08:00] Yeah, so I think there's a couple things in that. So first I'll talk about how important the environment that you're in affects your way of thinking. And I use the analogy of folks that work out at home versus folks that go to
Christi: The gym, yes. Okay.
Fabian: And you look at that and you're like, "Well, it's, I can work out from home."
And I'm like, "You can work out from home in between- the washing machine going, your phone ringing, and, cooking and something else happening. When you go to the gym The folks that are there are purely working out. So the energy of that space is workout. It's like going to the office, right? If you have an office, right?
They... Yes, work from home is great. I've worked from home for many years, but there's a difference of going into the office and feeling that energy, So my point is, [00:09:00] when you go through trauma or you go through anything challenging in life, removing yourself from the environment that you're in helps you recalibrate your thoughts and helps you look at it from a different perspective.
I think we don't give enough credit on how much the environment you're in impacts your way of thinking and how you perceive things. So when I was going through my, I would call it trauma, Because it's a traumatic event, right? Doesn't, trauma doesn't necessarily mean, right, doesn't necessarily mean, an accident or anything like that.
Fabian: But trauma when something traumatic happens in your life, really that's abrupt, it's sudden, and it's life-changing that traumatic experience happens in an environment where you're living or in the area you're living or in the house you're living.
And in order for you to be able to process it correctly, to go through [00:10:00] that journey of the healing, you have to remove yourself from the environment, r- There's a saying that I believe in is that you cannot heal in the environment that broke you. You can't do it.
It's just it's, you cannot do that. So the importance of... And going back to your question, the importance of making the decision to travel, it was more around removing myself from the environment that I was currently in. And whether that... And for folks listening, whether that is, doesn't mean traveling, doesn't necessarily mean y- you have to travel halfway across the world, right?
Or across the country. It could just be as simple as leaving where you are, driving an hour, taking the train 30 minutes. But remove yourself from the environment, and that allows you to process what has happened. It gives you time to recalibrate. And the energy and the experience that you went through in that [00:11:00] environment, y- your body, your nervous system gets an actual break to process things.
Fabian: And that's the importance- at least to me for why I decided to travel. It was to remove myself from the environment and reprocess things. And it was a hard decision, by the way.
Christi: It was a hard decision, did you say?
Fabian: It was a hard decision. Yeah, it was a hard decision because when you psychologically tie this back to how humans react, Fight or flee, It's a reaction, right? You either fight or flee. And when you're leaving, your mind is saying, "Are you running away from the problem?" Right? "Are you running away?" and I faced that, so when I said the challenge in making the decision to go on a trip while things were happening I had that battle.
Are you running away from the problem, Don't you need to face it and like, and deal with it? And what I took away from that was, [00:12:00] simple answer is yes, we all have to face our demons, right? One, one time or the other. We have, we all have to face them. But just like when you watch any sports, right?
Any sports, there is halftime.
Okay? There is a halftime,
Christi: inning stretch. Yes.
Fabian: Right? There is a halftime. And that halftime, you know what that halftime's for? That halftime in any sport is to recalibrate, to get a break, to figure out what you're going to do next. So for anyone who's considering or thinking about, "Yeah.
I really want to do something, but I feel bad," or, "I feel like I'm running away," no. You're not running away. You have been drained from going through the exercise of the trauma. Your nervous system is shot, You need to take a break, and that traveling is a break. It's a reset. You will come back and fight.
You will come back the next day, and you will have to, yes, you will face those things. But it gives you time [00:13:00] to recalibrate, reset, and go back at it again, And continue the journey or the fight or the or the process. But the importance of getting that reset and having travel help you and force you to give you the reset, right?
It forces you. Whether you like it or not, it forces you.
Christi: So I did wonder, did you, hear a voice or did a friend say this to you, or And now you talk about the sports metaphor, which I think is very apt. We all, watch or play something. Did you perceive it that way at the time? What was the trigger?
Fabian: What was the trigger I think the trigger... So, so the trigger was when this all occurred, it happened during COVID. So give, maybe give a little timestamp here, right? So COVID occurred, and this is when things started to sort of fall apart, and it was during COVID. And actually we couldn't travel at all
during, because if you [00:14:00] remember, COVID was...
Yeah.
Christi: No travel
Fabian: so during the time, there was no travel. So during that time, I was sort of going through all of this dismantling of the relationship and things falling, sort of falling at wayside. So you're home, everything's shut down, you can't even go out, right?
Most of the time you couldn't go anywhere. And I remember when they started to open back up travel, but you had to get, you had to show proof of, like, vaccine and and I remember when they announced that you can travel, but you have to prove that you've been vaccinated. And I remember like the first day they opened it up I was online, like, Googling to find a place to get the shot to just to prove that I can get on a flight, So I think COVID had a little bit to do with it because we were inside so long, and we were confined, if I want to call it that. Yeah, and I just needed to get out. And what I mean get out, I meant get away from the [00:15:00] situation and the environment that I was in because my brain and my nervous system never got the break that it needed, And so it was during that time that I wouldn't say it was anything that anyone sort of mentioned like, "Hey, you should take a trip," because it was during COVID, so it was definitely a no. It was more of I felt that I needed to break away from what I was connected to just so that I could find myself again.
And because you were, during that time, you were so... It w- There was so much of an overload with not only COVID, but the emotions of the relationship ending. I was still in my career working at the same time. So you're balancing all of those things. You're balancing, your bills, legal fees, right?
Fabian: All of those things at the same time. And it was really more of like my body needs a break mentally, physically, spiritually. I just need to reset, because if I don't I'm going to [00:16:00] break. So I think there's a little bit of you being aware where you are mentally and remembering the things that brought you joy And again, being curious, Going back to the curiousness, right? Saying to yourself, I need to do something different. s- I need to try something else." And that's how I ended up saying, "Hey, I'm going to take a trip." And of course a lot of people were like, "Huh? What? Like, you're taking a trip? Like, wh- where are you going?" But I decided to take a trip, and it helped me immensely in my trip, And it was a solo trip, so it wasn't with anyone. And that, I think that's a key thing, too that we all must remember. Reset happens alone, right? R- reset happens alone. And so I went. It was a solo trip.
And y- yes, I went out and explored. It was... But you know, when I came back to my room or I had breakfast in the morning, it was by myself. It really helped my [00:17:00] nervous system and not over-process things, and it got me time to recalibrate and rethink
Things. And I remember, like, y- you would be in the scenario of a thought prior to the trip and while you're on the trip.
That thought and the way you perceived it, same thought, but the perception was different, right? Like, the percep- how you perceive things was a little different. And by the time you came back, you're like, "Yeah I don't really see it like that anymore," right? And so it does something to you, and I think it has to do with your nervous system. You give it some time to reset and rethink and get your thoughts together and figure out the what's next.
Christi: Yeah.
Fabian: And on one point on that because when trauma happens, especially in relationships or, whether however the end of the relationship happens, I think a lot of people focus on the why, and they get bombarded on the, like, why did this happen? Why is
[00:18:00] this
happening, Why me, right? And When I travel, it moved me from the why to the what now, It, right, it took me from the... Right? So and that, that's a key, that's a pivotal moment, right? Moving from the why. because the why me, you're still in the present. You're still in the present time, in the moment.
But when you start thinking about what now, you're moving from the present that is traumatizing and actually emotionally thinking about the future. So the, the goal is w- when you traveling, it helps you move those milestones, and you start thinking about, "Okay, so what now?"
Right? What am I going to do now?"
And that was a pivotal moment because you start to move forward in the healing, because the minute you start moving on, okay, so what now? Okay, it happened. Yes, it's disappointing. Yes, it's hurtful. [00:19:00] Yes, my whole my whole world fell apart. But what now? What are you going to do now? Yeah, that's what it did.
Yeah
Christi: Wow. How did you decide where to go? And where did you go?
Fabian: Where did I go? Great question. In the world of 300 countries to choose to go, right? There's a vast list of options And I ended up going to... So I thought about this and I was like, "Okay, I want to go somewhere to relax." Okay? And when, which I guess should be the recommendation, right?
If you're thinking about a place to go, well, I want to place, I want a place so I can go relax and unplug. And I remember looking at some of the options and I said, "Okay, I want to be somewhere hot." I don't want to be, I'm not... I don't want to be somewhere cold, so I'm like, "I want to go somewhere hot, I want to go somewhere where I can relax."
There's sun. I need sun, right? I need sun. So it was somewhere in the Caribbean that I was [00:20:00] thinking on going. And I remember going looking through to a couple islands in the Caribbean to go that I haven't been before. And I'm like, "Yeah, this looks cool." But I remember it was like Ju- it was hurricane
season, put it that way.
It was hurricane season, right? And I remember looking and I was like, "Okay, yes, this looks okay, but it's kind of hurricane season. Like, I don't want to be down there in the middle of a hurricane," right? And I ended up looking over in Mexico and I saw Cabo, which is south of California, Baja California, way at the tip, And I'm like, "Wow, like, w- where is this place? I've never even heard..." Like, it's part of Mexico, but it's all the way on the West Coast, right? And long story short, I ended up doing some pre-checks and said, "Well, it's safe for...
weather looks pretty stable. There's not going to be any... It's going to be hot, It has a nightlife sort of area to go out and have fun and, but it also has a very relaxing sort of vibe as well. [00:21:00] You could sort of unplug, right? And I think both are good. Yeah. Exactly, right? And I think both are good.
I think you need to be able to retreat to a quiet, safe space, and when you want to step into some fun, if you want to step into some fun, it's there. Because just like when we talked about earlier about those being, living in front of JFK, If you're around that energy, you're going to be like, "You know what?
Nah, I'll go try. Let me go and check this place out," right? Like, so anyway, I ended up deciding to go to Cabo Mexico. Beautiful trip. First time there, and met some very interesting people there during the trip and, Because the travel part if we've all traveled, right, and you meet people when you're away, and the first thing they ask, they go, "Where are you from?"
Like, "What do you do? What brings you here?" Right? Like, y- and you're sort of forced to talk about- why you're on this trip and w- what you're here to do. And and interestingly [00:22:00] enough, because they're strangers and they're just inquisitive, you are forced to answer, like, not in detail, but you are forced to face why you're there, right?
Fabian: Because like, "Hey, Fabian, so like you're... Hey man, where are you from, and what brings you... This is your first time to Cabo? Like, you're by yourself," right? Like, that's the normal question. They're looking around like, "Where... You're just by yourself?" Like, "Who are you here with?" I'm by yourself." And It slowly starts to help you process what has happened to you, because you have to speak to people and you have to interact, and they're not going to drill down into the details of what happened, right? But y- they're, they may ask one or two questions. And it kinda keeps it surface level, and it kinda allows you to bring it out a little bit, expose it a little bit, and then put it back away, That's the journey of healing.
Christi: And then you kept traveling. You kept going.
Fabian: I did. I kept going. And I found, I [00:23:00] think I found my space. I found something that gave me that peace, It fed all of the things that I really enjoyed, which was the curiosity, the exploration and being able to... And I'm fortunate.
I mean, not a lot of people are able to travel to all the places they want to go, but I think the concept is the same. It doesn't have to be an exotic place somewhere halfway around the world. Last weekend I went to go visit my aunt in DC, Flew from LaGuardia over to DC and visited her for a couple days, And same thing. It wasn't halfway around the world, but it was being with someone who knew you. It was being around people that loved you, So the value in being able to see people and be around people who care about your wellbeing, care about, how you're doing, [00:24:00] it doesn't have to be the large contact.
So, so visit, go visit that old friend, or that aunt, or that uncle, take the half-hour train ride, or the three-hour train or the bus, or take a flight, but go. And I think a lot of us when things happen that are challenging, we tend to curl up, Like, we tend to curl up in a ball and wait for the best or wait to get better. And my advice to folks listening is don't do that, take your courage and go out, and go talk to people, and go meet friends, and go visit family, and spend a day, spend two... It doesn't have to be a week or 10 weeks.
It could be three hours. But the key is remove yourself from the environment that is shocking your nervous system because of what's happened or what's happening, and put your body in a new place, and you will see such a difference in how your nervous system is reacting in that new [00:25:00] environment.
And and that's, I think, the, the key piece in this is it's really about removing yourself from the environment and trying to reconnect with people that- know you, that love you, that support you. And that will help you, I think, through any traumatic event that you're going
Christi: You talk about your map is a mirror. How so?
Fabian: I think subconsciously you end up picking the places that align more... Y- You pick the places and the people that align more to your being subconsciously more than consciously.
Christi: That sounds very philosophical.
Fabian: So it does, yeah. So, I have an example of that. So if you think about the weekend arrives, your weekend arrives and you have options on things to do for the weekend, like we all do, Depending on who you call and talk to That typically indicates [00:26:00] what you want to do. Let's say you have a f- you have friend A who always likes to go and, let's say, go to the local markets on the weekend. Every weekend, that's what they do. And then you have friend B who is, loves to go to the mall, and, a lot of people and shopping and spending. And so you have those two people that you...
they both do this every weekend, and your weekend arrives, and you're deciding what you want to do. Depending on who you call,
Christi: I see where this is going.
Fabian: you see where this is going, right? Depending on who you call, because all you're doing is when you make that call, you're reinforcing the thought you already have and what you want to do, but you want to reinforce it. So you're going... You're not g- if you're not interested in going to the mall to walk around, you're not going to [00:27:00] call that person and be like, "Hey, like, what are you up to this weekend?"
Right? You're not going to do it. So, so, and it's actually a it's a subconscious thought, right? And if you really think about that that's that's what happens to a lot of people when they make decisions. So you already know the answer in what you want to do. You're just looking for reinforcement, right?
So going back to the, th- that comment there it really, where you go reflects where I would say home is where the love is where the things are that resonates with you, Your body's telling you where they are. Your gut's telling you where you should go, right? It just, we don't listen enough to it, or we pass it off as, "Ah, it's just..."
But no, actually it's your body telling you what you should do and what you should follow. And we need the reinforcements. But yeah, that's an example of how, in [00:28:00] practice, how our body works when we try to figure out what we want to do and where we want to go and who we want to see and who we want to be around,
Christi: Right. Well, okay. So jumping off from that, tell me the story about Dubai
Fabian: So Dubai, my first trip to Dubai,
um, yeah, I've been to Dubai a few times
now. Um, so I've been to Dubai... So, so the interesting thing is, the first book that's been released, it's going to be a j- a series of books. The chapters that are in this book purely cover the demise of the relationship and when I started to travel.
I'm working on a second release that will cover where I went, Dubai being one of those places, And where I was at emotionally and spiritually when I went to Dubai. Like, what was happening at that time, during my first Dubai trip, this was [00:29:00] legal, this was lawyers, this was selling my home, this was negotiating. And this was managing my my kids, and managing all of those
Christi: Were your kids still at home when you were
Fabian: My kids were still at home. Yeah, my kids were older, but they were still at home. My kids were still living with me when this was happening. So my kids stayed with me while all of this unraveling was happening.
And so my Dubai trip, when I went to Dubai, that was my first trip there, and I remember being... having to answer emails from my lawyers back home because they were sending things,
right? Like
Christi: hours difference or something?
Fabian: yeah, exactly. Exactly. But Dubai was amazing. Actually, my daughter lives there now is phenomenal.
Yeah, my daughter lives there now.
Christi: Is sh- is she a, she's a businesswoman?
Fabian: well, she actually, she works for Emirates, so she...
Christi: Yeah. Oh, great. Free flights, Dad.
Fabian: Yeah. Well, on top of... I mean, how can the universe have not [00:30:00] made a better scenario, right? I mean, I love to travel on top of it, and then my daughter ended up getting a job with Emirates in
Christi: But they have the most... Wait, is she's not in a, she's not a flight attendant.
Fabian: She's a
Christi: She is? Oh, even better. They wear the most beautiful
Fabian: they have the...
Yeah, yeah. She's
Christi: and the
Fabian: Yeah. And she's rec- and that was interesting because she r- she's recently joined there. So I've been traveling prior to her joining there. It just became, it's like, wow I enjoy traveling.
I've traveled so many other places and then my daughter ended up getting getting... And tying this all together, I'd probably say if we interviewed her and asked her, like, "Hey, so who inspired you to do it?" She'll probably be like, "My dad."
Christi: Uh-huh.
Fabian: But no, my first trip to Dubai was amazing. Definitely a great place to go. Yes, it's 15-hour flights.
Christi: b-
but what, do you just pull it out of a hat?
Fabian: Oh, how I ended up going to
Christi: like
Fabian: How did I end up choosing there? I think... We were kind of out of [00:31:00] COVID. Traveling kind of started back again.
But I remember having to get the COVID proof for travel, so we wasn't totally in the clear. And I remember the decision to go to Dubai was I looked... So I like Google Maps, so I go on Google Maps and I kind of look at the world and I, I, yeah, I kind of look at the world and I'm like, "Okay, yeah, where haven't I been?
What would be cool to check out?" Like, where would be... And it was a place that I heard of, never been there. It's in the Middle East. It seems to be up and coming, and it seems to be... When I say up and coming, it reminded me, from what I've read about it and saw about it, it reminded me of Singapore. It reminded me of a Singapore...
a- and it is. I'm not in a... I don't want to compare, but to me, if I summarized [00:32:00] it, Dubai is the Singapore of the Middle East,
Christi: Ah, okay.
Right,
and it's got the Burj Dubai, right? Tallest building in the world
Fabian: It's got the tallest building in the world. It's got... it's all manmade, by the way, right? Great country. Culture I mean, I go to these places for culture, and when I say culture, I'm talking like local food, go out, rent a motorcycle, do the local things.
Dubai is not really... There's not really locals there because, most of the folks that are there are I would say immigrants or expats or... So most people that go to Dubai are not from Dubai, right? So if you're going there to look for, I would say, Dubai culture if that's even a term, I would say that because it's, a lot of it's manmade and a lot of it has been built to attract foreigners, So you're going to find a lot of... You're going to find the Five Guys Burgers, and you're going to find, the [00:33:00] Starbucks, and you're going to find you're going to find all that, right? Now there's old Dubai, and there's places that you can go that will still give you that authentic feel.
But I mean, they're growing the city and they're making it- comfortable for foreigners to come and invest and live. So the trade-off of that is you're going to lose a lot of the local feels, right? But I think that how I ended up choosing Dubai was more around more in I, I saw that it looked nice.
A lot of people were kinda talking about it. And I said, "Well, why not? Like, I've never been there. Let's, let me go check it out." I rented a Airbnb a- and and touched down and figured it out, right? Figured it out and had a great time. I, and from that, I think I've been there eight times
to this point now.
Yeah, so I've been there a few times.
Christi: Free flights, Dad. Free flights.
Fabian: yeah. I gotta... Well, it'll be more now because because she's there. But [00:34:00] yeah, the, that's probably been one of the most frequent places that I've been because now I can... She lives there, so I, I, if I can grab a flight to go see her, I'll go down for a week or for two weeks or w- or whatever.
So that that's a good thing. But Dubai was a, an amazing place. A lot of things to do, lot of places to go. Great nightlife. Great very safe. So one of the safest places I've been is around the world it's been Dubai.
Christi: I was going to ask you about that, traveling alone, and this is a question I often ask women in a different context. But as a Black man traveling alone, I mean, you've also been to places like, I don't know, Colorado. S- k- can be a scary place. Ha- have you ever been afraid?
Fabian: No. No, I don't think I've been afraid. That's probably not the right word. I think I've been... So I grew up in New York,
[00:35:00] so
Christi: a big difference
Fabian: so, so there's a lot of context, right? And I remember, talking to some people, they're like, "Well..." And I'm like, "Well, it, everything depends on context." So, like, I grew up in New York, so, like, my level of, "Hey, this is sketchy," versus this is, Have I been in scenarios where I'm like of course. I think though that in any place you go, no matter... and again, when I'm saying that Dubai's a very safe place I mean, I don't care where you go, there's always a level of self-awareness that you need or, you, you need to always be of aware of your surroundings and people and energy and...
So have I been? Yes. But I tend to... Am I... So my mom worries. My mom knows I travel. My, I have a mom. My mom worries, of course, right?
Fabian: As she should. But yeah, as I should. But I think you have to do some due diligence as well as a traveler, [00:36:00] right? Where are you going? Where are you staying? What's the area?
Is it safe? When I say is it safe, how do you know if it's safe? What are the reviews from
Christi: Ah. So you
Fabian: are renting it? I read the reviews. Yeah, I read the reviews. So you do the reviews. I do the Google Maps. I do the Street View. Do the Street View on the Google Maps. So drop the pin, see the area, right?
And walk around the area. Key indicators that it's safe, if there are children around, it's safe
most of the
Christi: Schools, churches,
Fabian: around, children is a key indicator. Yeah, so, like, you can... There are some check boxes of things that you, you should do. And so reviews are important. Understanding the physical location, so I've never been to a place where it's the first time I'm seeing it.
we have internet. We have satellites. Use Google Maps. See where yeah, see where it's at, right? Like, oh, look, like, this looks sketchy around the corner, right? Like, I don't want to stay there. So use tho- [00:37:00] use those things to your advantage. But yeah I've been in, I wouldn't say specific scenarios where things have...
i've been fortunate enough that nothing bad has occurred. But I do keep my wits about me. I do make sure that if I'm going to explore certain things, like, there's certain things you're going to explore, I would hire a guide to show me, right? To bring me around and show me, right? I went, I've been to Japan.
Pretty safe country, right?
So, so Japan-
Christi: Osaka
Fabian: Yeah, so I've been to Japan. So pretty very safe country. Again, so you ki- kind of look at the, the vibe of what's happening and see the area. Do your research because a lot of people talk about their trips and a lot of people can give you their kind of score and...
But I would say this for anyone who looks around safety, it's relative, right? It's really relative. Because the person who says it's safe or it's unsafe, where are they from, right? Like[00:38:00]
where...
Christi: yeah.
Fabian: Right? Where did... because they're common and it's, they're unsafe to you may be like, oh, like that happens every day in, in, in Chicago.
Like I'll give you an example. Like that happens every day. Like that's normal. I get up to that every day. So it all depends on the context. Just don't take when someone says you "I went there and I was totally safe," or, "I went there and I wasn't safe." Give me some context. Where are you from and what do you consider safe and not safe?
because s- someone can consider getting up and walking around at 2:00 AM in the morning, like I do that all the time back home. Why is that not...
Christi: Right. Why can't I do
it here? let me ask you a different question.
Christi: What are some of the places where you feel like you've had the most healing experiences?
Fabian: The most healing experiences I would say I would say Peru
Christi: Ah, [00:39:00] Peru
Fabian: Yeah, I would say Peru And when I was thinking that, I'm like So I went to Machu Picchu in Peru. So it's interesting when I go to these Latin countries. I don't speak Spanish. I look... I can p- I can pass. Yeah, I can pass for it. I know the ba- like, "Hola." Muchas gracias.
Like, I know the basic stuff, but I don't speak Spanish. And like Peru, like it's... So most of the places I go in Latin America, they automatically assume that I can speak Spanish, right? I... They automatically assume that. So when I went to Peru I think for the scenario of reflection, right, reflection I believe that the trip to Machu Picchu was was more of the most healing because to get to Machu Picchu, you have to fly into [00:40:00] Peru, and then you have to take another flight to Cusco, which is a different area.
Like, it's an hour and a half or two-hour flight, right? And then from there, you have to take a... You have to spend the night, and you have to take the train in the morning, like a two-hour train ride, to the mountains of Machu Picchu. And then you have to take a Machu Picchu train that goes up to the, like the base of the mountain, and then you have to take...
There's a shuttle bus. There's a bus that brings you to the top of Machu Picchu town,
Okay
And when you come out of that, you then have to hike and go up to okay? So, so when I went, I think when I went there and as, as I explained all of those steps that you have to
take- All of those things were done, and I remember going up to the top and sitting down and looking at Machu Picchu itself.
And I and I remember [00:41:00] there was a th- there was a, a slight feeling of perseverance,
Christi: Ah, that you
Fabian: right? And you had came this far, right? Like, you... And in two contexts. In the context of the trip itself, and in the context of life in general, And the perseverance of, continuing to go forward and push forward, right?
Th- they say, I didn't come this far to just come this far. And It was in that Peru trip that the healing of look how far you've came, and you're still pushing, and you're still going, and you're still doing. You're still asking what's next.
You What's next?
Yeah. That was, I, that was the one of the, I think, pivotal pieces that I think I recognized for myself. [00:42:00] Like, Fabian, you've... you're moving forward, like, good job. Wow. I'm impressed. Right?
Christi: I think that's called pat yourself on the back.
Fabian: Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Exactly. It was a little bit of
that. It was a little bit
of that. There were, yeah, it was a little bit of that. Yeah.
Christi: Let's talk about men and masculinity. This is an issue of yours. It's a hot topic these days, right? But I wondered if you met other men along the way who were in your situation.
Fabian: I did, yes, of c- I, I have and I did So I've made it one of my things to go somewhere new for my birthday. So every birthday I make it an obligation to go somewhere new, and I've been doing it for, I'd say, the last 10 years or so.
So I was going to go to try to find a place, and ended up going to Colombia. And a friend of mine who I had met in Brazil, I went to Brazil and I met someone in Brazil, and [00:43:00] we were working on some business things.
And he's like, "Hey, Fab, what are you doing for your birthday this year?" And I'm like, "Hey I'm thinking of going to Colombia. I haven't been." And he's like, "Hey, I have a friend who's in Colombia, so I'll give you their..." So it's like that. Ended up going to Colombia. I remember going to Colombia, and I landed.
I mean, I did a FaceTime as well, so I m- make sure, called and we
Christi: All, all the preparations.
Fabian: All the preparations are done. "When are you landing? When are you this? Where are you staying? You should stay here." Anyway, long story short, I get there. The friend said, "Hey I'm not going to be able to see you.
I'm tied up with..." His wife, they were doing something with the kids. And he was like, "Hey, but I have another couple friends in town. They're at a, they're at a restaurant. It's your birthday. You should go over there and hang out with them if you want." I'm like, "Okay, fine." So I go there, and then I meet some new individuals.
One of the individuals we ended up talking, and we didn't really, we didn't really get into the details of why we were on the trip. It was just more like, "Hey, I'm here. You're here. We have a central friend who's told us we should hang out. Let's hang out." [00:44:00] And long story short, him and I became very close throughout the trip, and I ended up sharing why I was on the trip and sort of what happened, with my relationship, and he ended up sharing some things as well.
And And that, that's one example.
And now what I ended up finding out is as you travel, there's a lot of guys that I've came across that are all trying to- That are in these places more to recalibrate and rethink and re-read, reanalyze some portion of their lives that has been traumatic that they're trying to reset or go through.
I think I've met more of those than guys that were just like, "Hey, I'm here for fun, to Yeah, and meet girls." Like right? Right? Like I've met more guys that are like that, and I don't know if that may, that is the energy that, that I give off [00:45:00] that they're picking up, but and then it becomes more of a healing thing because then it's like, oh, well, like what happened?
And you end up learning and oh, man, wow, right? But you end up sort of forming this, group connection, and most of those guys that I've met through on my travels, like, we have a WhatsApp group and we talk and like, "Hey, where you going? How's everything?" So you sort of build this community of individuals that are still curious, that are still surviving life, right?
Like it's about surviving it and surviving the challenges. And when you meet people that are, that have survived or is fighting their own battles and they're strong enough to talk about them you have to commend them, right? Because that takes a lot of strength to be able to pick up and go try to reset, get your mental health in a good place to be able to think logically and make the right decisions, and to not emotionally react [00:46:00] to...
they say, do not make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions, right?
Christi: Right.
Well, it seems like you've come a long ways beyond simply surviving. It's more like when you can say what next, you're into the realm of thriving.
Fabian: Yes. The task for you as you move through it is you can only tread water and survive for so long, right? You have to move past surviving, and you have to go into, "What's next? What am I going to do now? How am I going to become better? What did I learn from all of this?" Right? Like, let's you step back of any, any traumatic e- experience that people go through, especially in relationships, and the key question is, what did you learn from this?
Did you learn anything? Right? Like, you have to have learned something, And I think once you have that perspective, because the minute you can pick something [00:47:00] that you learnt from the experience, if you learned something, that is a positive outcome,
No matter what the learning was, but you learned something.
And I think if we start to pivot from, " I can't believe this happened. Why did this happen?" to, "It happened. This is what I learnt from this. Now what's next?"
Christi: What's next?
Fabian: You switch that mind frame, it helps you move through the journey of healing.
Focusing on your growth, your career, your kids. Focus on things that make you feel happy and make you feel good. At the end of the day, at the end of the day, we are all going to experience defeats, Like, that's just part of life. You're all going to experience positives and negatives and things that we can't imagine.
We're going to imagine loss. We're all going to go through it, no one wants it, but we all have to go through that.
Christi: Well, this has been wonderful talking with you.
Christi: What's the best way for people to reach you?
Fabian: They can reach [00:48:00] me at www.sybr-book.com. There, my Instagram and all of the other information is linked to the to the website. And yeah, I'd love to hear from folks too. I believe if you go to the website, there's a free copy you can get of the book so folks can kind of read it.
Reviews are on Amazon if you search
Christi: Great. And we'll put it in the show notes too.
Fabian: Well, thanks for having me, Christi. Great conversation.
Christi: Well, thank you, Fabian. Thank you so much.
[00:49:00]